People should always be asking themselves why? how? what's next? But sometimes that doesn't always happen on a regular basis. Then there's a point, maybe a breaking point, or maybe just a point in time that comes where people start asking questions of themselves they should have asked along. Why did I deflect more than I expressed?

I guess it can start in childhood...things happen, families come apart, and you begin to feel what true pain, heartache, and sadness feels like. Being a kid before this you never had to worry about those types of feelings you just concentrated on being a kid, having fun, playing outside, playing with friends, not even realizing you're growing up but not having that realization made it even better.

But then you get the first taste of what not being a kid feels like and it doesn't feel good, you don't like it. So you start to figure out ways to deflect it. Dad leaves, moms sad, brother and sister are more sad. You're sad, so instead of having to feel it you look for ways to block it. "I'm not going to let myself feel the hurt anymore"...."I'm going to ignore it...find other ways to express myself". Then you start making jokes out of everything and everyone, you feel that it would be better to laugh or to make people laugh and at the same time you aren't really expressing your true feelings to anyone...family, friends, other loved ones.
Everyone thinks you're fine because you laugh and are making others laugh...but no one really looks close enough to realize you aren't showing many other feelings.

You get used to deflecting as you get older, you meet people, you try to have a tough skin, "be a man", and not let it all show. But this really shouldn't be how it is. You know you love someone, you feel it inside so much but you don't do a great job showing how you feel.
Knowing yourself how you feel and expressing it onto others are two very different things.

You begin to work on trying to deflect less and show feelings more but than more things happen, more events occur that make you want to deflect more than before. You try fighting it, you try to push the urge to ignore your feelings and at the same time try to fight to show them. This battle is a tough one.

You meet someone and in time you realize that you love them more than anything, more than yourself, more than any other one person you know.....more than anyone or anything in the entire world. But at the same time you are still deflecting those exact feelings.

This person helps you to express more, to show more, to feel so much more. You begin to change, to express your love, to show your feelings, but not as quick as you should, not as often as is right, and not as much as people should show. You still try though, you still feel so much love but for some reason still aren't showing it nearly as much as you should.

Situations arise, people get scared, they get hurt, they get nervous...then the wall of deflection starts to break away but then these feelings start getting shown more so than the feelings of love you were trying to show, express, display more than anything.

Then when you finally do break down the wall, get past the deflection, show and express yourself 1,000% more than ever...you find yourself looking around an empty room, by yourself, wondering why you just didn't do it differently before. Ignore the deflection before.
You see that the change wasn't quick enough, the battle to express one self ended too late, and you hope that you still can show all of your feelings and that they won't come out too fast, or too much, and that it isn't too late...and that you still will be able to continue to express your feelings and hope in turn, likewise, they will continue to show you the feelings they always have...and that it wouldn't just be the end and that you wouldn't just be flooding out emotions to nobody.
You hope that it could continue, that both can continue to show love for each other, and that you get to show them you changed...everyone...the world...that you have always have been filled with so much love for them but you just didn't show it nearly enough.

october 2008. haven't put anything on here in half a year. it's getting colder, it's almost halloween, then just as quick and it's thanksgiving, then blink and more time passes...christmas...2009.

wow, the time just keeps on barreling on at high rates of speed.

anyways, it's been awhile since I put anything on here, and i'm not gonna put much on now but I will mention that I have accumulated several new music albums in 2008 thus far and once the year is actually over, I will compile my favorite albums like I normally do.

Until that time though, I will mention some that I think are some of the better ones of this year so far. Those albums are:

Ben Folds- Way To Normal
The Fratellis- Here We Stand
The Hold Steady- Stay Positive
Nada Surf- Lucky
Rise Against- Appeal To Reason
Street Dogs- State Of Grace
Vampire Weekend- Vampire Weekend

There hasn't been anything new here in months. I didn't put up my favorite music of 2007, nor my favorite films. A lot has happened in the world and in lives of myself and others. None of those things were missed, they just weren't discussed here...not that it is very important. But this place used to be a way to try to figure out life, the world, and do it in a round-about way with trying to avoid getting too specific but still trying to relate a jumble of ideas at the same time. The other purpose was to inform whoever read this site things I enjoyed, hated, felt bad about, felt great about, and those things haven't been discussed here as of late either.

So hopefully this thing get's updated more and more thoughts that appear to be random on the screen (but really mean something somewhere out there) will be up for people to read and if nobody reads this thing then at least they will be there for me to write and continue to try to make sense of life, surroundings, and the world.

With that being said..I'll make a few quick selections on music that I enjoyed from 2007:
Against Me!- New Wave
Funeral For A Friend- Tales Don't Tell Themselves
National- The Boxer
Swellers- My Everest

Those are just a few of the albums I enjoyed last year, there are a lot more but since we are half way into 2008 almost, no need to post those.

Music of this year that has been playing around these parts:
Vampire Weekend- Vampire weekend
Los Campesinos- Hold On Now Youngster
Nada Surf- Lucky
No Use For A Name- The Feel Good Record of the Year
Counting Crows- Saturday Nights and Sunday Mornings
Panic At The Disco- Pretty. Odd.
The Kills- Midnight Boom
She and Him- Volume One

That's just what has been playing lately, doesn't mean that they are all great albums, most are good, there are a few that just might be great but it's too early to tell.

And with all of that, hopefully there will be more posts...at least more meaningful ones, as opposed to a list of a couple of bands but maybe something with more substance that this website has seen in the past....but maybe lack of those type of writings could be a sign that things have changed and that life is making more sense or that things are better or that things just aren't worse or...until next time.

and now, since it is fall, and then it will be winter, here is a list of my choices of fall and winter movie's to see for the duration of 2007.
(movies in bold italic are films that I believe will be especially great, let's see if I'm right)

September 14th:
Eastern Promises- Naomi Watts, Viggo Mortensen, and David Cronenberg Directs (A History of Violence).

The Hunting Party- Richard Gere and Terrence Howard.

In The Valley of Elah- Tommy Lee Jones, Susan Surandon, and Charlize Theron.

The Brave One- Jodie Foster and Terrence Howard.

Across The Universe- Evan Rachel Wood and Jim Sturgess.

September 28th:
The Kingdom- Jamie Foxx, Chris Cooper, and Jennifer Garner.

The Darjeeling Limited- Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, and Jason Schwartzman. Directed by Wes Anderson.

Feast of Love- Morgan Freeman, Greg Kinnear, and Selma Blair.

Trade- Kevin Kline.

October 5th:
The Heartbreak Kid- Ben Stiller, Michelle Monaghan, and directed by the Farrelly brothers.

Grace is Gone- John Cusack.

October 12th:
We Own The Night- Joaquin Phoneix, Mark Wahlberg, Eva Mendes, and Robert Duvall.

Michael Clayton- George Clooney and Tom Wilkinson.

October 19th:
Things We Lost In The Fire- Halle Berry and Benicio Del Toro.

Rendition- Reese Witherspoon, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Alan Arkin.

Gone Baby Gone- Morgan Freeman, Ed Harris, and Casey Affleck.

October 26th:
Dan In Real Life- Steve Carell, Juliette Binoche, and Dane Cook.

November 2nd:
American Gangster- Denzel Washington, Rusell Crowe, and directed by Ridley Scott.

November 9th:
Lions For Lambs- Tom Cruise, Meryl Streep, and Robert Redford.

No Country For Old Men- Tommy Lee Jones, Josh Brolin, and directed by the Coen brothers.

November 16th:
Margot at the Wedding- Jack Black, Nicole Kidman, and Jennifer Jason Leigh.

December 7th:
Leatherheads- George Clooney, Renee Zellweger, and John Krasinski.

December 14th:
I Am Legend- Will Smith.

December 25th/28th:
The Bucket List- Jack Nicholson, Morgan Freeman, and directed by Rob Reiner.

There Will Be Blood- Daniel Day Lewis and directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.

Charlie Wilson's War- Tom Hanks, Julia Roberts, Phillip Seymour Hoffman.

it has been a long time since this site was updated. an entire summer passed without anything published...which is either good or bad, good if nothing too overwhelming occured or bad because things good have occured. good things, not so good things, and just never were mentioned for months...

today is the 6th anniversary of the september 11th, 2001 terrorist attacks. we all know where we were, some of us even know where we were on the anniversaries over the years. but the important part is that we are here to see the years pass, that we are okay, and that hopefully we will continue to be that way. regardless of what your political views are, we hope that all of us will continue to be okay.

i've moved literally recently, i've also moved professionally, and i've been moved by all sorts of things, and I've moved in my head to adjust to all the other types of moving...

hopefully it won't be another four months before this website get's another update...take care and be safe.

today is mother's day. mother recieved a backyard statue of a large female angel with a small baby angel resting on her knee...mother said that sometimes i'm the baby angel but sometimes my wings get clippped. it's true for me and most all of us, sometimes are wings get clipped...but they mend (unless you know someone completely perfect that has not made a mistake).

after the angel presentation and talking I began to watch the movie 'north country'. it was in my blockbuster online queue and happened to be sent to me the other day.

now this was actually a good mother's day movie to watch. for one it is about a hard working single mother, it's about woman's rights, and in general...human rights. nobody wants to be treated like some of the women portrayed in this movie were.

it made me sad and happy and worried and all of these other things, which is good. it made me think of mother, which is also good, being as she has had struggles as a mother...as a single mother...and had to put up with kids (who were like me).

happy mother's day mom and all the other mother's in the world. there's still strugling going on for all of us but you mothers help to try to make it as minimal as possible (that is if you're a good mother)....

best/good/horrible album lists are usually posted here right at the beginning of the new year...but they will be posted now instead.

my opinion of the 5 best albums of 2006:
5. red jumpsuit apparatus- red jumpsuit apparatus
4. fray, the- how to save a life
3. brandtson- hello control
2. my chemical romance- the black parade
1. format, the- dog problems

my opinion of 5 good but not the best albums of 2006:
5. oh no! oh my!- oh no! oh my!
4. fold, the- this too shall pass
3. matches, the- decomposer
2. decemberists, the- the crane wife
1. snow patrol- eyes open

my opinion of the 5 worst albums of 2006:
5. killers, the- sam's town
4. red hot chilli peppers- stadium arcadium
3. cobra starship- when the city sleeps, we rule the streets
2. gnarles barkley- st. elsewhere
1. brand new- the devil and god are rading inside me

notable mentions (in no particular order):
arctic monkeys- whatever people say I am, that's what I'm not
tv on the radio- return to cookie mountain (this whole album isn't all that good, but not enough of is bad to make it one of the worst albums of 2006)
hawthorne heights- if only you were lonely (probably their best effort thus far)
yellowcard- lights and sounds (catchy, not great, not horrible)
bouncing souls- the gold record (one of my favorite bands, so had to give mention)
taking back sunday- make damn sure (not their best stuff, but still respectable)
she wants revenge- she wants revenge
rock kills kid- are you nervous?
rise against- the sufferer and the witness
over it- step outside yourself
october fall- a season in hell (for a pop punk band they manage to make an interesting sound and an all out intriguing record)
less than jake- in with the out crowd (another favorite band that deserves mention and respect)
karate high school- arcade rock (some songs are good, others aren't that hot but interesting band)
goo goo dolls- let love in (not a bad record for it being the goos)
anagels and airwaves- we don't need to whisper (better than plus 44 album)
plus 44- when your heart stops beating (not as good as angels and airwaves)
barenaked ladies- are me (not their best album)
sugarcult- lights out
new found glory- comign home (probably one of the better albums they have put out)
john mayer- continuum (I am not a john mayer fan, yet this album sounded somewhat decent to me)

that's all for now, if you agree, if you don't, if you care, well you can send an email with your opinions or you can bash mine...check the top of the page for the email link. take it easy.

it's that time again, to re-start the countdown, the countdown of the days, hours, minutes, until another year goes by. until we get another year older, until we see more great events, or until we see things that disturb us.

we watch each other grow, and it seems slow as the day's go by...but once you get to the end of the year and you look back, it's easy to see how fast it really all went. most can think back to this day one year ago and remember it vividly, maybe even a few years ago, it seems so close but yet actually pretty far back there in the past.

"it's just time", some might say that, and those that do might never worry about how fast time is going or how short the time actually might be for us.

it's always fun to say happy new year and to celebrate....but i'm sure if most could they'd ask for a longer year and hold of on celebrating in exchange for just some more of that time.

...happy new year everyone.

it's already that time of year...recollection. news networks will recall the most horrific events of the year, critics will list the best and worst in movies and music, and others will remember another year that has come and gone, and hopefully for most those memories of the year will be good.

in a week I will be 24 years old. my receeding hair line is more prominent since a haircut I recenetly recieved, and it seems like time is flying by so fast.

some days we want things to go quicker so we can eventually get the points in our life that we are waiting for...but other days we want things to slow down, so we get to see as much as everything, and take in as much as possible, in the amount of time we have...

it seems like posts are only getting put in when a notable event arises...anniversary of sept 11th 2 and a half months ago, and now thanksgiving.

it doesn't matter what people believe the history behind the holiday is. the important part of that statement is 'people'. as long as we have other people, friends, family, loved ones, aquintances, neighbors, co-workers, etc...as long as we are able to interact with these people, share our opinions, share our thoughts, learn from each other...these are the things that are important, these are the things that matter, as long as we have PEOPLE, then we should be thankful.

monday, september 10th, 2001. I am a freshman in college at a new place, southern illinois in carbondale. I write about a history paper I have to write, nothing of much importance to report besides that.

wednesday, september 12th, 2001. I complain about a fire drill that evacuates our dorm tower.

tuesday, september 11th, 2001. at first I make mention of a dream I had during the night. i'm still in shock from watching the events unfold on tv as I woke up pretty early that day. I make some brief comments but not knowing exactly how to respond I keep my remarks to a minimal. there is much shock, disbelief, sadness, and anger that I can remember. these feelings and events actually led to the change of my college major.

monday, september 11th, 2006. all day most of us probably were engulfed with rememberance news reports, stations re-playing their broadcasts from 5 years ago, the president touring the different sites of tragedy...

I wasn't a victim, I don't live in new york, and I don't believe I knew anyone that lost their lives 5 years ago. but it still seems surreal, it still seems so fresh, it still doesn't feel safe.

I can not believe a half a decade has gone by in our lives and I can't believe that halfway mark of the past ten years has to be thought of by such pain, loss, and suffering.

it's like sometimes we all watch our lives from the outside, a third person perspective. we think we see ourselves, we play tricks with our brain convincing it that we DO see ourselves from the front, the back, the side, all angles, when in reality we really don't...when we aren't dead...when we aren't spirits. usually, in my opinion, it takes a pretty big event to occur before we trick our brain into seeing ourselves, something bad happens to us, something terrible happens to someone we know, or maybe even something so great happens we can't believe it...it can't always be about the bad...because if it is, the good will never taste or feel as good.

you drive to work, you stop at a red light with everyone else who has stopped in front of you, you take a sip of your coffee from your fancy new coffee cup while you have a chance, you put the cup down, and get ready for the light to turn green when....wham....someone behind you doesn't bother to stop, slow down, or attempt to break and hits your truck with such force that you fly forward, the air bag sends you back, and the car that slammed you is still ramming you into the car in front of you.

this is a moment where it seems like you are watching yourself, or watching a movie like it was a flashback but some of those flashbacks might actually be scenes from your own life up until this point. what do you think about in the millisecond it takes your brain to realize this might be it? how do you react when you feel something very unnatural, unexpected, and incredibly frightening? when do you feel like you aren't watching yourself anymore? once you run out of the truck? once the police arrive? once you are at the hospital? when you leave the hospital? when you arrive home and figure out you no longer have a truck because it was completely totaled? I don't know, I don't believe many people can answer all the questions I usually ask of myself or strangers on this blog.

Do bad things only happen to bad people? Or do good people feel bad somtimes too? That might help me figure out which side of the fence I fall on that one.

I'll tell you one thing though, once you do realize you think you are watching yourself, and it stops, that feeling, at that moment, is one of the greatest feelings ever...why? because you just realized you made it, your alive, and you still have time, chances, and opportunities...so don't take them for granted.

some days we just wish never happened, others we don't want to let go of. moments we want to cherish, moments we dread. regular daily tasks that annoy us beyond belief and then there are those times of day we can't wait to come...all of these situations describe life, at it's best, it's worse, and just at it's average. but without all of those things combined, the bad, the good, the meaningless, the fun, the dull...without all of that each of us wouldn't truly be living a worthwhile life. I mean it'd be great to think of a life filled with nothing but excitement...but what happens when you get tired of excitement? what happens then?

ironically...all of these things are touched upon in an Adam Sandler movie...and mind you the movie isn't the best, it won't win any awards...but what most critics missed when reviewing the movie is how it can make you FEEL. if I was just able to type that above paragrah based on the movie I just watched (Click)...then the movie can't be that completely horrible. and it wasn't. it just wasn't the light-hearted adventure most thought they'd see going into the film.

where 'butterfly effect' went terribly wrong, 'Click' tries to change the playing field with some humor as well as some reflection about life...and thats where each viewer will take different things away from it. where 'family man' (with nicolas cage) examines a man's life if led differently (and also in a good heart-felt way), 'Click' just shows you what can happen if you don't take control of your life, or pay attention, or if you miss things that you KNOW are important to you.

One of the most over-used movie quotes EVER but one I still shall use to end this rant on how one can think about their own life just by seeing a movie...goes like this:

"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in awhile, you can miss it".
Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

in life things happen and you believe them to be to so unexpected some might think they aren't actually happening... but then a few days later, or a week, or a month later, it will hit. that event did happen, I didn't want it to, I didn't believe that it did, but people say to themselves "now I finally realize that something did happen, I had no control, I didn't want this, but it happened anyways".

is there ways of fixing things like this? yes, there are. is it hard? most of the time...yes, it is.

I want my life on the right track, I want my life back but I want it to be slightly different...I still want that person in my life though. I still love that person. I still need that person to help experience life and the world together...don't leave forever, don't leave now...

"We live on front porches and swing life away, We get by just fine here on minimum wage. If love is a labor I'll slave till the end, I won't cross these streets until you hold my hand".
-Rise Against: Swing Life Away-

i'm sorry...for it all. fuck, let's fix it.

there are some people who decry the media while others embrace it...I fall into the latter part of that statement. I do believe there is a lot of crap out there but I also believe there are a lot of things that visually or audibly entertain us that have meaning at the same time, make us feel, or make us think of things in our own lives. now with that said...

my pick's for the 10 best television shows (2005-2006):
1. "the shield"- this show never lets down but this past season it took intense drama to a totally different level. the tension, emotion, and shocking events that unfolded made this one of the best seaons ever for this show.

2. "the sopranos"- another show that changed television as we know it, and so far this season is no exception. changing the way the audience see people change seems to be a very important theme, it's only second to "the shield" on the list because we have yet to see what else happens before the season finale. I'm sure we'll be left shocked and then only wondering what will happen when the show finally ends next year.

3. "grey's anatomy"- when 'ER' first aired it was a very intriguing and innovative medical drama, these days it's not really that hot anymore but 'grey's anatomy' takes medical dramas and drama in general to places audiences have never seen. with personal and professional conflicts constantly occuring mixed in with highly emotional medical procedures this show has kept the adrenaline running this season.

4. "rescue me"- another FX show that has helped to change television, last summer's 'rescue me' was the perfect blend of dark humor, action, and drama...dennis leary has given what I would call his best performances ever while on this show and most can't wait to see what's nex this summer.

5. "criminal minds"- when CBS announced that a show about FBI profilers was being added to it's fall 2005 schedule and it was starring Mandy Patinkin I'll have to admit I had my doubts that it wouldn't last too long. But many soon learned that this show was very intriguing, sometimes dark, and took the audience to both sides of the criminal playing field, giving us some insight into the actual criminal mind and at the same time showing us how hard people have to work to try to catch a criminal.

6. "the office"- I tried watching the British version of this show and though it was often funny, I believe this version with Steve Carell is much more hilarious. The first season was short as they didn't know if there would be an audience, but this past 2nd season made selling paper at this company one of the funniest experiences ever. This whole cast is great and the underlying story line that kept a constant flow was that of secret love that came to a boiling point in the season finale. I can't wait until next season to see how it all plays out.

7. "wanted"- TNT tried to get into the original drama series with this show of a specialied team of people who's sole purpose was to track down dangerous criminals running from the law. Most of the time this team didn't follow the rules and usually were able to track down the person they were looking for. Explosive action and great acting was a constant but it appears it wasn't enough as this show was cancelled after it's first season.

8. "how I met your mother"- I was never a "Friends" fan, and this show is about a group of friends, with a story being told my one character (voice over by Bob Saget), but this show in my opinion is much funnier than friends and also at the same time frustrating when it come's to the relationship part but that frustration also is what makes this show fun. Also, having Neil Patrick Harris around for crazy hijinks on this show is great.

9. "the closer"- TNT's other try at a original drama series that didn't seem as exciting as 'wanted' but still pretty damn exciting and apparently most people thought this show was better as it is about to start up again for it's 2nd season this summer. Kyra Sedgwick shows that a female CAN lead the way and put bad guys in their place. Plus her turbulant love life and way pissing off most people around her help make this show worth watching.

10. "e-ring"- even though this show might be on hiatus right now, when it first aired it was explosive from the start. Benjamin Bratt and Dennis Hopper are great on this show playing military men in a special part of the Pentagon. This show even makes it exciting to watch the political games most of these people have to play to get things done and then doubles that excitment when the audience gets to watch the actual action of military events unfolding. I'm hoping the hiatus of this show doesn't impact wether or not it come's back.

Other mentions:
CSI Miami probably was more exciting than the regular CSI this year. Though I love how CSI is still dark as ever, this past season I seemed to enjoy the action in the sun over in Miami a little bit more. As far as CSI: NY goes, that show could of been so much more if done differently, the whole look and feel to that show just doesn't feel real.

Law and Order still was damn good this year and I'm loving that Dennis Farina is on the show, SVU is only 2nd to the original but not by much. Criminal Intent is just not as exciting even though they did bring back Chris Noth to the show, I still can't get into it.

Numb3rs has a great cast, and usually is always exciting, I just don't understand how an FBI agents mathmatician brother get's involved in EVERY single case...but none the less, it's still very entertaining for me to watch. Plus Judd Hirsch is in it!

NCIS has only gotten better this year, with a cast change, slight humor, and a lot of action. Even though I like Lauren Holly as an actress, I'm not a big fan of her being in charge on this show.

24 is always action packed but at the same time it can just annoy. The twists and turns this year have been somewhat fun to watch but also somewhat aggrivating in the implausablity, and usually I feel fine with that but somtimes I just get too annoyed to feel entertained.

The Unit takes an interesting look at a specialzed military team and the missions that they have to go on, some of the episodes have been slow, and showing the team's wives and families gets on my nerves sometimes.

Without A Trace has been pretty great this year with plot twists involving the main cast and some of the cases that were shown, usually a good amount of intensity, sometimes the story lines just don't seem that imporant though, probably when they should considering most of the time it deals with missing people...and that's usually pretty important.

That's all I got for now...i'm pushing people to watch TV...so do it.